Alzheimer's

I remember, back in the day, when people used to say, "Alzheimer's" whether in a movie or standing right next to me. I would have sworn on my Nintendo (cause that's how I rolled) that they said, "old- timers." Yes, old timers. Doesn't it make since. Old people. Time. Old people? Time?

It must be just me.

Is It Safe to Scream?

I know. I am getting a little redundant by repeating the same thing over and over again.

But.

I am truly tired of my job. I am tired of it. Sick of it. If it wasn't for that little (okay not so little) thing called money, I would have quit months ago. Mrs. NHJ is more of a bitch and I just can't take it anymore. Can't. Take. It. Any.More.

Oh I just want to get into the house so that I no longer have to worry about a mortgage company wants a 2 year job history.

I need a career change. I need to get out of the oil business and move on to something much better.

I never have been the type of person who liked listening to other people. I guess deep down I have always known that I would only be truly happy working for myself.

I have a few more months to decide about this career change.

Awake

I rewatched this movie last night. I saw it about 2 years ago, shortly after it came out on DVD (Maybe that wasn't quite 2 years ago). Anyway, it was around the same time I was to have my wisdom teeth removed. Not really a smart idea, right? Watching a movie about anesthesia awareness just a few short days before undergoing some anesthesia yourself (or something in the same family of). Well, you're right. I was officially freaked out and if my teeth didn't bother the shit out of me, I would have cancelled the appointment.

I went and oh boy did I discover something about myself.

I've always had a high tolerance for drugs and a high tolerance for alcohol. If the directions say to only take 2 aspirin every 4-6 hours I find myself taking 4 every 2-4 hours. If a recipe calls for 1 oz of alcohol I will add 2. Why the hell not?

So, with this awake scare and the notion of my high tolerance I was scared shitless sitting in that chair. I expressed my concern with the dentist. I felt like he blew me off, he didn't seem to take me seriously! Like he looks and listens to scared paranoid people all the time sitting in that chair. I'm not like them! I'm not just paranoid! I have facts and statistics. Why are you looking at me like that? You're expression just went from "I'm blowing you off" to "You need a psychosis."

They injected me with something, I have no idea what it was, my assumption was that it was the stuff they needed to knock me the hell out so that I wouldn't feel or remember a thing! 1 minute goes by, 2 minutes go by. 5 minutes. Nothing. 10 Minutes nothing. Ugh! Shouldn't you be telling me to count backwards from 10 by now? I didn't even get to spit these words out before she placed something over my mouth and I breathed it in for a little bit. I knew it was "laughing gas" and since I have such a high tolerance for mind games and hallucinogens I didn't think this was anything different, I didn't think it would make me laugh.

To this day, I still maintain that I made myself laugh. I was thinking that I should be laughing but nothing was funny, and then she did it. She tripped. She didn't really trip and fall, but she stumbled on her feet and I chuckled. It took me all of 2 seconds to realize that it wasn't funny and I started laughing at myself laughing at her non-funny stumble. See? I made myself laugh, and to this day I still laugh at myself. That is the last thing I remember.

Until...

I felt this terrible sensation in my jaw. It felt like they were ripping it open, like it was connected to one of those machines that Jigsaw made up in the saw movie! Yea! Freaky. Unfortunately, my mind really thought they had my jaw hooked up to one of those. It makes perfect sense, they were removing my wisdom teeth and needed to see. I tried to tell them that it was too tight and they needed to loosen it! That if it was any tighter I was sure my jaw would snap. I was panicking! Desperately panicking and I couldn't move, or do anything!

Then, I realized that they were still working on my teeth!

"Ugh! I'm awake! Stop! I'm awake! Don't do that! I need more drugs!" All these statements unsuccesfully spattered out of my mouth. I couldn't say anything and I was freaking out!

Then, I heard it. I heard the *crunch* the soundof teeth cracking in my mouth. Teeth..Cracking. "You didn't get it all! dumb ass! Pull the rest of the tooth out! It broke, I heard it! I don't want teeth to be there, I don't want to do this again." My cries still not heard.

Then I was finally able to open my eyes and the nurse, who noted my distress, told me I was fine and to calm down. I realized that my mouth and the last what I am sure was only 2 minutes was brought to my attention. My mouth wasn't hooked up to one of those machines, there was just a shit load of gaze in my mouth, and I later found out that he did not leave half of a wisdom tooth in my mouth.

I don't think that I was "awake" during the procedure. But, I am positive the drugs wore off before he was finished and that is why I was somewhat aware of my surrounding at the end of the procedure.

I woke up craving a cigarette and vanilla shake. Then, after a nice 3 hour nap I woke up feeling like I had been reborn and immediatly headed to the bar.

Regardless, while writing my review of the movie Awake, I came to the realization that my nightmares about my teeth cracking are directly related to the last 2 minutes of awareness and hearing the crack of my last tooth being removed from my mouth. I'll be scared for life, but they gave me a T-Shirt that said "It was a Gassszzzzzzz" (It was a Dr. Gass I went to), so I think I'll live and I'm not suing for damages... yet ;)

My Average

Since September of 2007 I have averaged 1 ticket every 3 to 4 months. *sigh* It started with my ticket in September, speeding.


I'm a consistent, and constant speeder. It's like second nature to me. I HAVE to be in front of everyone. Then, if I ever make it to the front, I speed up to make sure there is no one else there. It's a competition that I am constantly battling and trying to beat. Anyway I was on my way to Sacramenton (from Weed) to drop my friend off at the airport. It's 300 miles and a 4 hour drive, I was determined to make it in 3. Let's not forget that it was midnight and by the time I was pulled over it was almost 2 in the morning. Plus, we were in the middle of no where. The middle of no where at 2 in the morning!!! The stupid cop should have been at Denny's, not writing inconsequential tickets to innocent drivers just trying to get somwhere. Plus, he and I were the ONLY people on the road. I made it in 3 1/2 hours. I went to traffic for this one


I digress...


Ticket #2 came the end of January. I was moving from one apartment to the other and a stupid camera, that I didn't even know was there, flashed and gave me a STUPID ticket! I went to traffic school for this one. Before all you letter of the law's start telling me that you can't do traffic school so close to one another. My first ticket was CALIFORNIA, my second was ARIZONA. I was allowed to do it. Now, something that I didn't realize at the time, photo radar tickets DO NOT count as points or go on your record. It is just a stupid way for the city to collect money. So, basically I paid MORE money to go to driving school than it would have cost me to just pay off the ticket, and it didn't matter. Thus, I hindered my ability to go to traffic for the next 2 years in Arizona.


Ticket #3 was in March-April. I was pulled over and got a Gore Lane violation. For those of you who don't know what the Gore Lane is... It is the triangle part of the road that isn't a lane but helps those entering the freeway to get on the freeway. I illustrated it below:





As you can see, the Gore Lane isn't actually a lane as it is an area. They named it after some Officer Gore who was hit and killed while pulling someone over in this area.


Obviously, I couldn't go to traffic school for this infraction. Luckily, it is only worth 2 points, and in AZ you're allowed to have 8 in a year. Woot Woot!

My third ticket? Photo radar. Fourth? Photo radar. It's not that I didn't see them, or know to slow down it is more that I wasn't paying attention and FORGOT to slow down. I thin kone was at 4 in the morning when I got off work.

Fifth? That's easy. It was in California, Decemeber 2008. The cop wrote me for 120 in a 65. Lying Bitch! I know I was speeding. Maybe 90 or so. But I wasn't driving that fast. In fact, I have a govenor in my car that wont even let me drive faster than 110. I called her a liar and she was pissed! dumb bitch cop! She lied. I got the proof on the govenor and maximum speed limit. Fought it in court, which cost me 2 vacation days, 3 bartending jobs, 2 hotel, and gas there and back twice. PLUS, I had to pay 1,800 in court fees and fines to hold my spot in court. The judge ignored everything I presented and still found me guilty. he obviously needs to go back to school , becuase the evidence clearly stated that I was innocent and the cop was a lying, cum guzzleing whore.

Sixth? Was again for speeding. Well, i wasn't speeding. I was tricked into rear ending someone so the cop wrote me a ticket for failure to control speed to avoid an acident or some shit like that.

In June of 2009 I got an airplane ticket! yea AIRPLANE! Can you believe my fucking luck? The CHP airplane paced me, and radioed down to a partol unit who pulled me over and wrote me the ticket. Luckily, it was 1 1/2 years after the first time I did traffic school and I was able to get rid of that one ASAP!

I was doing soooo good! No tickets for a long time (long for me). The other day I was thinking to myself that I was about due for a ticket. Isn't it funny that I remind myself when I am going to get a ticket. I thought to myself, that's sad!

Well, my luck ran otu yesterday on my way home from work! UGH!

I was driving home, minding my own business in the car pool lane, when BAM! Cop! Damn it! Stupid! Why did he have to pull me over? Asshole! The funny thing was he was the one who gave me the ticket for the failure to control speed, yadda yadda yadda. Jerk. So, the ticket costs $388 and 2 points. Dumb! The worse part is? I can't remember exactly WHEN it was that I did traffic school the last time in AZ. It would be WAY cheaper if I could just do traffic school! But I am not sure when that was! I have until February 17th to figure it out!

... and Then It Hit Me

More often lately I have been thinking about kids.

Having them.
How I want mine to turn out.
Why?
When?
How many?
Gender, etc...

When I was younger. I ALWAYS wanted to have a girl. "Girls are easier," I told myself, "Boys are complicated." Shows how much a 6 year old knows. At one point I had it planned out. I would have 1 boy, wait 3 months, get pregnant, have another boy, wait 2 years, have twin girls. Then, down the road (5 or 6 years later) I would have a baby boy - If I still wanted kids. You see the 2 older boys would protect the twin girls and then the youngest boy would be my "momma's boy."

Then, I saw a psychic and she told me I would have 3 kids, which stills doesn't clarify anything for me.
Am I going to give birth to 3 kids?
Am I going to marry someone who has 3 kids?
Am I going to adopt 3 kids?
Or a combination of any of the above?

So... I have made up my mind that I definitely want a boy. I could only have boys and be completely and utterly (or is it udderly) happy. In other words... I don't want girls. Lover wants girls, but he has a daughter, Cinderella.

For the longest time I was confounded as to what changed between that 6 year old, that girl at the psychic, and the woman I see in the mirror today.

... and then it hit me. I always KNEW. I say why and am reminded by why almost EVERY day.

I never. ever. want to put any daughter of mine through half of the torture, stress, and drama that I had to endure through my childhood. No. I don't care that I was not one of "cool" kids. No. It doesn't change who I am today. But guess what? It doesn't mean that it was any easier THEN.

Girls... Are bitches.

It's true. We are a very cruel, devious, selfish, and... bitches. Let's go back to when you were in school...

Who did you want to hang out with? "The popular girls." At the same time those were the girls who would spit in your shoes, steal your lunch, and frame YOU for stealing the test answers. Who the hell did they think they were? As hard as that is, it STILL isn't the whole reason girls are bitches, there's more!

We don't care how about other's feelings and we will do/say anything we can in order to boost our selves up on the pedestal of life. It's all bull shit. I know what you are saying. "Not ALL girls" You're wrong. Yes, it is all girls because if there is a female who didn't act like I am describing, they would not be a girl - they would be a woman or a young woman.

I don't want to have a daughter who is worried about how "fat" she is, just because she hasn't grown into her body yet.

I don't want to have a daughter who is worried about wearing designer clothes and the latest trends because it's what "her friends" are doing. She looks just as beautiful in $20 jeans as she does in $100 jeans.

I don't want my daughter to be laughed at, made fun of, or cry because of those cruel girls in the world. Most importantly I don't want a daughter to make fun of, make someone cry or be one of bitchy cruel girls in the world.

I know what you are going to say next. You can raise your daughter to not be any of the above. You're wrong. It is inevitable that every girl will take this treacherous journey into the cruel and unusual punishment we call childhood. We can only guide our children, show them the right way... We cannot force them down a path. From day 1 they will be traveling alone.

Boys have it easy. No worries about what they wear or how clean it is. No preconceived notions on personality or looks. They are accepted for who they are and that's it. I want boys.

The Truth About Men

Part 1.

They are selfish.

Broken Teeth

Almost all of my nightmares revolve around my teeth. I am one of those people you hate, who always had straight teeth, and never needed braces. In fact, I once proved to someone who had braces that my teeth were straighter than his by biting into a styrofoam cup. He started it and wanted to know, I could care less, and after we compared cups, mine were straighter.

So, I'm a little proud, but I never brag or bring it up unless someone else does first - with the exception of this blog.

I once dreamed that by biting into an apple my bottom teeth broke off in half. I woke up crying in the fetal position.

Last night, I had a similar dream. I can't remember what I was doing. It felt like I was decorating someone's home, but I was at work at the same time, so who knows! All day, in the dream, my top front left (my left) tooth was bothering me. Lunch time finally came. I sat down to start chowing down and my tooth was loose, so I pulled it out. I mean, it just came right out root and all and it didn't even hurt. It was like pulling the pen out of the cap. Weird, right? In the dream, I had some strange notion that every adult looses their "adult" teeth and grow back knew ones. Finally, I woke up.

When I first woke up I remember being a little baffled. Most dreams feel weird and I woke up thinking I was still in my dream and lost all my memory from the time my tooth broke until I woke up in bed. Then, I remembered that I lost my damn tooth! And then I remembered that I was WRONG! You're not suppose to loose your adult teeth and they don't grow back! Panic insured. I felt my upper teeth with my tongue. My tooth was still there. *sigh* It was just a dream, I told myself and lay my head back down to sleep. Not before reaching up with my finger and feeling my tooth, just in case my tongue was in on it. :P

Does this mean I'm getting older quicker?

The holidays just kind of FLEW by! I mean one day it was Halloween, then the next day it was Thanksgiving and then Christmas and finally New Years.

WOW! What a week right? It actually took about 2 months. It went by crazy fast. I remember when it seemed like it took FOR.EVER before Thanksgiving came, and even LONGER to make it to Christmas!

I guess as we get older time goes by much faster. *sigh*

I am glad they came, but I am also glad to know that the holidays are OVER. It's back to normal like we go!

This Year...

It's New Years Resolution time!!! Have you thought about what you are going to accomplish this year? You have a whole year to do it!!!



2009 was actually the first year that I kept my resolution. Since I was 13 I have had the same resolutions:

1. Loose weight

2. Eat less sweets.

3. Don't eat out often.

4. Quit smoking.

5. Stretch more.



Can you guess what my resolution was for last year?



To quit smoking.



And I did it! Around June time I drew in my last breath of Kool's Super Long and exhaled into a new life. I don't notice any CHANGES to not smoking, expect for the noticeable 5-10 pounds I put on. Sucks right? But the alternative is lung cancer, so I guess I'm still doing pretty good for myself. I really have Lover to thank for not smoking. I mean, he isn't a smoker; so I didn't smoke around him, and then I started "hiding" the smoking (he thought I quit in March) and then in June we moved in together. I figured there was NO WAY I would be able to live with him and be a smoker and think he wouldn't figure it out soon. So, I quit. Cold turkey. I guess I loved Lover more than I loved cigarettes.



For this years resolution I had to think about it for a long time. Not a LONG time, but I mean, I really put some thought into it.



Last year, in the beginning or the year, I read a lot of books. I like to read smutty trashy romance novels. OH! And I had the pleasure of reading the entire Twilight series. YIPPE! So, I would like to read a lot more.



In 2009, I also discovered what it felt like to fall in love. Even more importantly, I discovered what it felt like to BE loved. To truly be loved and be held by warm and loving hands. I have no doubts this spirit will carry out throughout the rest of mine and Lover's life.

If you haven't figured it out already... Lover and I are buying a home. The home buying process is STRESSFUL and I HATE having to deal with it. In the end, I just want to be in my home, curled up in my new bed and drinking lots of wine. :P So, this why I have decided to dedicate my entire year to this house. By the end of the year, I want to not only be living in, but have my home decorated to my liking so that in 2011 the only thing I have to worry about it where I put the wine glasses to dry! :P